Frequently Asked Questions
I am scared to tell my partner that I love them. What should I do?
The first time telling a partner that you love them can be pretty scary. To test out how you feel, or how your partner might react to this statement, you could do some 'trial runs'. Try expressing your appreciation and caring with specific phrases, like 'I love spending time with you', 'I always feel so comfortable around you', 'I'm so glad to be in a relationship with you'. You might be able to get a sense whether this is a good time to say 'I love you'. Pay attention to their reactions, do they seem appreciative, uncomfortable, do they pull away a little, change the subject? Saying "I love you" can be a big deal for many people and there can be a lot of meaning attached to it. It's important to ask yourself how you will feel if they don't say "I love you" back. If they don't respond with 'I love you too' right away, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care but they may not feel that strongly at the time. Also, keep in mind that people have different definitions of the word "love", and what it means to you might not be what it means to your partner.
What exactly should I say to my teen girl who asks about birth control?
Well first thank her for coming to you with the question. Many teens do not have the courage to ask their parents about birth control. Next ask her why she is thinking about this; of course she is thinking about sex, but she may not be thinking about having sex. She may have heard about it in school, she may have heard about it from friends or peers, she may just be curious, or she maybe thinking about the future. Listen to her, communication is a two way street, let her talk and you listen. Then if you feel comfortable about the subject matter, discuss the facts about birth control. Let her know that not all birth control options protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. If you are not comfortable give her the resources she needs and sit down with her to discuss the facts.
My parents think I spend too much time with my boyfriend/girlfriend. How do I know if I’m in a healthy relationship?
In a healthy relationship, you can balance time spent with your significant other and your friends and family. You continue to do activities you enjoy and are encouraged to do so. Although everyone argues sometimes, if you argue all the time, this is probably an indication that you are not in a healthy relationship.
My partner doesn't get mad very often, but when s/he does get mad it scares me. How can I tell if this is a warning sign of abuse?
Even if your partner rarely gets angry, you should always watch out for people who seem to get too angry. These people may hit walls or lockers, yell loudly, get red in the face, call names, have fire in their eyes, or actually threaten others with violence. This type behavior is a serious warning sign of future relationship abuse. If your partner does any of these things when angry, you need to seek assistance.
I believe my teen may be in an abusive relationship. What can I do?
There are a number of ways to approach and assist your teen if you think your teen is involved in an abusive relationship. You know your teen and should be able to decide what approach will be best. Here are some ideas.
- Ask questions and listen with an open mind
- Set limits where appropriate
- Respect your teen's choices
- Keep channels of communication open
- Be calm and take positive action
- Avoid power struggles with your teen
- Help set up a safety plan if your teen is trying to end the relationship
- Deal with your anger in calm, reasoned and constructive ways
- Resolve conflicts with your teen early
- Manage your frustration so it does not affect your teen
What role can parents play in getting social and emotional learning programs into schools?
Parents play an important role in the social and emotional development of their children. Modeling positive behavior at home is the first step. Schools are the second. As a parent or caregiver, there are several steps you can take to make sure that your child's school supports social and emotional learning.
First, ask if your child's school supports social and emotional learning. Ask the school principal how he or she fosters the qualities of both heart and mind in the school's academic agenda. See if you can get permission to observe a class where social and emotional instruction and activities are taking place.
If you determine that your school does not currently support social and emotional learning, ask if the administrators would consider investigating program options. Help them gather information on what other schools are doing to integrate academic achievement with social and emotional skill building more effectively. The most important thing is to stay informed and involved with your child's learning, and always strive to model the behavior you seek from your child.
Why do men and women seem to have different levels of commitment to relationships?
I’ve noticed that too many guys seem to have a very lacksadasical and non-committed attitude about their partners and their relationships, whereas it seems that women take their love lives very seriously. The guys have an attitude that “if you don’t do it the way I like it, I’ll find someone that will.” Do you agree? Have other women complained about this as well?
Relationships (per se) are not as important to men as they are to women. Men want appreciation, love, sex, a home, respect, security and often a family, but feel those things are not necessary ingredients to success as a man in our society. Men tend to be cautious about commitment because they see it more as a responsibility and loss. After all, marriage means kids, bills, financial responsibility and loss of freedom.
Once married or committed, they give up their chances to carouse with half-naked Brazilian beauties in Rio, go into a bar and leave with a gorgeous model, or have the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders over for a hot-tub party with his buddies!
Yes, we ladies know this is unrealistic, but it is how many men think! Women see love and commitment as a positive, the acquisition of their dream. So you see, he gives up his fantasies to provide his woman with her reality. It’s a real problem for some guys.
There is also the possibility that what you consider to be a relationship is for him nothing but a “sexship.” Don’t think that because you have had sex that you have a relationship.
A sexship is defined as a relationship where you are having sex with a man that is not committed to you. He calls, he visits, takes you out, primarily to have sex with you. Very few sexships evolve into quality, committed loving relationships. Once a woman has sex, she often begins to have expectations and emotional attachments. She may begin to feel committed to him and all he feels is that he has had some sex.
Getting down in bed has absolutely nothing to do with getting a husband or a commitment. Until he makes up his mind that he wants JUST YOU, he won’t be committed. He will continue to date other women. He may know you aren’t the one, but still kinda like you so he sticks around.
But on the other hand, maybe his reluctance to commit doesn’t have anything to do with you personally… he just can’t commit to ANYONE.
The key to success is for the women to be a little bit more in love than the woman is, or at least at the same level. You must step back and let him come to you. Don’t call him all the time; don’t be so available. Tell him NO sometimes. Don’t let him know where you are all the time. Be sexy and mysterious. Let him observe other men admiring or flirting with you.
Adjust your attitude to I’m LARGE AND IN CHARGE. This attitude adjustment will challenge him, make his male desire to win and conquer rise to the fore. He’ll become more attentive and affectionate towards you. Give him space and time to give what he wants to give of his time and his heart. If nothing comes forth, you know that he doesn’t really love you enough to establish a long-term relationship anyway, and you’ll have all the information you need.
