Working It Out After Divorce - Co-Parenting As A Lifelong Process

When I work with couples who are facing divorce, there is often a hope, if not a wish, that when the divorce papers are final, the issues that led to the divorce are gone or can be left behind. While this is wonderful wishful thinking, what I have found is quite the opposite: the very issues that lead to divorce not only remain, but also can be more intense without the commitment to work through difficulties that most marriage commitments bring.

When children are involved, this becomes problematic. If mom and dad (or mom and mom or dad and dad) couldn't work it out when they were married, why on earth would you think they could work it out once they were divorced....or would even consider trying?

Children feel all the tension that exists between their divorced parents. And they often suffer when parents ignore this tension or act out from it. Children often feel "in the middle" (and are sadly, too often placed in the middle when parents cannot contain or work through their disappointment, anger, fear, or hurt). And even when they are not placed in the middle, they still feel pain that their parents are treating one another with animosity, contempt, distrust, disrespect, anger or fear.

If parents really love their children, one of the greatest gifts they can give their children once they divorce, is the gift of working through whatever issues are needed with their ex-spouse so that they can co- parent in the most respectful way possible. When I say respectful, I mean respect both for the children and for one another as ex-spouses and co-parents.

For some divorcing couples, this is work, but doable work. If the couple is divorcing from because of different needs and different goals, yet from a place of love and respect, it can be easier to put the needs of the children first. This requires a degree of maturity on the part of both divorcing parents, and the ability to put the children's needs first and foremost.

For many divorcing couples, the pain of the broken marriage can be so great that it contaminates all good intentions. While intellectually, few divorcing parents can argue against putting the needs of their children first, deep hurt, anger, pain, and resentment can far overpower any intellectual understanding. Sometimes it is surprising how primal behavior between two divorced parents can be.

When one is coming out of a particularly painful or abusive marriage, working it out with the ex-partner seems virtually impossible. After all, isn't the inability to work things out the reason why the marriage broke in the first place?

I believe strongly that a divorcing couple can benefit profoundly from "divorce therapy"--therapy to help the couple work through the divorce and with co-parenting issues over time, to assure whatever healing is possible can take place, and that both parents can make the emotional room to act in the best interests of their children. This "divorce therapy" becomes a kind of family therapy as the children grow older and can participate in the process themselves. Having the divorce therapy or family therapy space for the children gives them hope that even the hardest issues are workable, and that when things feel overwhelming or impossible, there is really is a way to make things better over time.

The thought of being in on-going therapy with an ex- spouse can seem unthinkable or even like torture. Who wants to spend all that money? Who wants to see their ex-spouse regularly and talk about hard issues? Who wants to be in therapy for years?

On the upside, therapy costs are far less than legal expenses. Couples who work out their emotional issues in a therapist' office, spend far less fighting each other in court. Too, having parents take responsibility for working on their emotional issues gives an invaluable model to kids. Emotional illiteracy is epidemic in our culture, and learning good communication and relationship process skills will help both parents and kids in all areas of their lives. The healing, learning and understanding that divorce or family therapy can offer is well worth the time, the money and the emotional energy invested.

This is a subject I write about from more than a theoretical or even clinical place. It is a subject I have lived myself for the past 10 years. When my ex- husband and I separated and moved towards divorce, I asked that we engage in on-going divorce and family therapy until our son was in his early 20's. I am very grateful that my ex-husband agreed. While there have been many rocky passages, having the steady container of the family therapy has allowed profound transformation to occur at every possible level.

As our son has encountered some of the issues that led to our divorce, having a place to name them, explore them and work with them has created a sense of safety and empowerment for him. Being able to develop his own voice and be able to define his own needs to his parents has allowed our now 12 year old son an emotional maturity beyond that of most of his peers. While he understands why his parents divorced, he also understands that the issues underlying divorce can still be addressed, worked through and made better in the higher interests of parenting a child.

For me, as the primary custodial parent, having this space has been invaluable when issues have arisen. Knowing there is a place, a time, a container for the hardest issues allows them to remain contained when appropriate and worked in an appropriate way. When two people have a child together, they are indeed bound together for life. Honoring this truth, and making a commitment together to honor the child is a profound spiritual journey.